The older one becomes, the more one’s perspective improves. Perspective, arguably, is one of the greatest gifts that accompanies age.
When I was a teenager and a young woman in my 20s, I loved to watch the awards shows on television. The Academy Awards, the Grammys, the Golden Globes. I marveled at the beauty of the women in their gorgeous gowns and their diamond accessories. I admired the dashing men in their sharp tuxedos and slick hairstyles. I cheered as my favorite actors and rock stars were called to the stage to accept a trophy that secured their place in the history of fame.
Fast forward twenty years and I reflect on how my perspective has changed. Not only do I not watch or care about those awards shows anymore, I don’t even remotely idolize the beautiful women and the dashing men- not because I don’t recognize or appreciate their talent as artists but because I see beauty in such a different way. I see it in facial lines and forehead wrinkles. I see it in gray hair and sagging shoulders. I see it in unpolished fingernails and worn-out sneakers. How can these things be beautiful? Because they tell the story... of life. Grace in the midst of a storm defines an inner beauty; such grace is most often seen, in my opinion, in mothers.
Wouldn’t it be nice if our country, our world held an awards ceremony each year that gave out a “Mother of the Year” Award? No offense to dads (for there are plenty of potential-deserving-award-winning-fathers out there) but recognizing mothers for their ability to remain upright through the walk of motherhood deserves a little, well, a little applause. Don't you think?
Here would be my top picks for the 2018 Mother of the Year Awards. These awards are all based on real women I know. Women in my town, my community, my world. I’ve given them “stage names” but that’s ok. It makes them seem famous. They’ll never stride atop a red carpet; they’ll just vacuum their own. But glamour never resides in the exterior plush anyway, only a well-trodden interior.
10. Catherine. Catherine checks herself several times in the mirror every day. Feeling frumpy and overweight, she can’t find the time, the energy, the stamina to work on her body. With two elementary-aged children and a husband who travels weekly, it is all she can do to get her children to school on time. Challenged with raising one ADD child and another who is often bullied at school, she spends her few moments alone scrolling through the internet on how to raise confident children. She holds her head high and greets everyone she meets with a smile. No one would ever know her heart sheds tears every day as she waits for her child in the pick-up line.
9. Laura. Fighting her third-round of breast cancer, Laura doesn’t talk about herself much. She keeps her eyes on tomorrow and stays busy with her job and her three children. Only rarely does she confide that the reconstructive surgery is beyond painful, that she cannot sleep at night because rolling over causes stabbing pains, that the surgical compression bra is so tight that she gasps for breath sometimes. As she sits on the school bleachers and videos her daughter in the school concert, no one sees her wipe away the tear rolling down the left side of her cheek.
8. Martha. Martha works roughly 55 hours a week in an underpaid position at a pre-Kindergarten facility. She is the mother of two grown children, a young grandmother of four. Recurring bouts of Lyme disease often leave her feeling fatigued and achy, such that she often sleeps on her couch rather than her bed. There is no time for fatigue or sore joints. She must tend to "The Littles" who pull on her pant legs and skirt pleats and know nothing other that she is their "person." She excuses herself briefly to visit the candy-pink bathroom, wipes a child’s mucous off her shirt and steps out with her signature smile as Commander-in-Chief to a world that never recognizes all that she does.
7. Rachel. When the vomiting stops, Rachel’s daughter begs for ice chips. The 5th month of chemotherapy has left Rachel’s daughter weak physically and emotionally. “I’m tired, Mom. Make it stop, Mom.” Rachel refastens the hair elastic that has been in her hair for 48 hours- the last time she remembers showering. She wipes her daughter’s brow and holds her head while the vomiting resumes. She reaches for a clean washcloth in the bathroom drawer, all the while wondering whether God really exists.
6. Tracy. “How long have those dark shadows been under my eyes?” exclaims Tracy to the mirror. A mother of 9 children (6 of whom reside on earth, 3 of whom ascended early to heaven due to miscarriages), Tracy is a stay-at-home mother. Thinking that mothering children between the ages of 2-12 would be her biggest challenge, she was caught off guard when her husband was diagnosed with a rare cancer, one that required immediate surgery. The surgery resulted in a permanent disability. Tracy rises every morning before dawn to tend to her husband’s needs before beginning the morning routine of waking cranky pre-teens, diapering her toddlers, appeasing 7 different appetites (hers won’t be met until late morning). She drives her cherubs to school only to return to a house full of laundry and dishes and mess. She gently presses the “start” button on the dishwasher and resists the urge to crawl back into bed.
5. Anne. Anne is married to a man with anger issues. For 22 years, she has navigated her children through his demons and dark wrath. Believing it is better to stay with the monster than to uproot her children’s lives, she endures. And endures. And endures. Merlot is her best friend but even it can’t fill the continual hole of loneliness. But no one would ever know it. She shields her children with her armor of love, swears to fight to her death for their dignity as she bends down to pick up the rosary that fell from her pocket.
4. Grace. As a teenager, Grace’s long, black hair was the talk of the school. Dark, shiny and with natural waves, her hair had a following of its own. Now more salt than pepper, Grace’s hair tells the story of a woman pocked with scars that will never fade. As a mother of five, Grace stood steady as the police officer explained that her husband ran his car off the road at the complex juncture between despondency and guilt. The blue flashing lights dimmed as the cruiser turned the corner and she climbed the stairs to have a conversation with her children that no one should ever have to hold.
Now a single mom, Grace remains the sole referee for her children’s spats, the sole cheerleader on the sidelines, and the sole negotiator for the family’s rising debt. She turns out the lamp by her nightstand before curling into a fetal position. The morning's alarm will sound too early.
3. Debbie. A few years ago in a rainstorm, Debbie hurriedly told her 4-year old daughter to wait in the kitchen while she drove down to the corner to collect her older daughter from the bus stop. What Debbie didn’t know was that her 4-year old daughter scurried out after her mommy and hid behind the SUV’s rear wheel just as Debbie moved into reverse. Running toward the ambulance, her 4- year old baby in her arms, Debbie experienced the ultimate grief as she felt her child pass from this world to the next.
For months, Debbie stayed in bed, prayed for the apocalypse, and longed to die. Today, she functions as a woman and a mother to her remaining children. She is broken, she is bruised, but… she is upright. Sometimes, standing upright is the ultimate triumph.
2. Heidi. With a healthy toddler by her side, Heidi couldn’t wait to surprise her husband with the news that she was expecting their second child. After two miscarriages, this pregnancy had surpassed all the precautionary tests and the 16-week gestation mark. Thus, when the doctor said the words, “Your son has a very serious condition, one that will limit his life span and severely diminish his quality of life," she wilted. Despite her hemorrhaging heart, she finds the strength to serve her child's needs 24 hours a day. Sleep is a gift seldom bestowed. Today, she serves as an advocate for the impaired and disabled, and no one ever hears her mourn the loss of dreams.
1. Sarah. Sarah’s son died three weeks ago. Unexpectedly. Unable to breathe on most mornings, she pulls herself out of bed with an invisible strength if even only for a few hours. She has other children who need her. Her friends and relatives coax her into sipping tea, hand her the Ativan tablets on the hour, and stay with her until she falls back asleep. Compassion is her first outburst to others even while her heart lies shattered likes flakes of glass. She has been tasked with bearing the unbearable. Yet she has risen to the task. How? By continuing to breathe. Sometimes, this is all a mother can do. Continue to breathe.
The nominations this year were tough. There was Jane who had invasive surgery that left this single mom unable to work for months. And there was Frances who facilitates a nightly medical procedure for her daughter that no one knows about. Of course, Barbara was a strong candidate as she struggles with a teenage daughter riddled with anxiety and depression. Perhaps, a "Mother of the Year" award should be given out more regularly than just on an annual basis. Or, better yet, if we mothers champion each other's efforts every single day and recognize the sheer strength and determination it takes to make it to the finish line of motherhood (a line that doesn't exist), we will see that there is tremendous beauty in this special club. No, it's not found in glittery diamonds, sequined dresses or dashing companions. It lies in the heart, the core of unconditional love. This is the award given to mothers and the one that helps us get out of bed every day to tend to those who need us most. Congratulations to all the 2018 Mother of the Year (“MoY”) Award Nominees and Winners. Congratulations to every woman who mothers a child- whether through biology, fostering, a step relationship, adoption. You are inspiration. You are seen. You are beautiful.